You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
