There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
