just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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