did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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