i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
