dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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