I got chris browned last night
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
