so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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