Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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