He is such a slut. More and more my type.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
