I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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