apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
