So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
