she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
