Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
