There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
