I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
