No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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