There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
