My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I know her cup size but not her name....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
