I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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