Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
