I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
as a side note pls kill me
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
