I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I AM VODKA MAN
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
