i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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