it was like eating out sand paper
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
