somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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