Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I don't deserve a penis
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
