you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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