If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
