After last night, I could never be a politician.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
