the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
