My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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