marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
