dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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