just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
