I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
