you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
