Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
