you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
