guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
