Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
