WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
