she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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