Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
