I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
