life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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