If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
