i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
