This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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