running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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