You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize