I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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