I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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