my phone needs a breathalizer
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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