ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
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i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
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In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.