Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
