I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
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Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
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Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done