I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.