I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
