he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
