hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
