I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
