I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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